Let’s be honest: spotting a massive red flag is usually pretty easy. If someone screams at you in public, controls who you hang out with, or insults your family, you know it’s time to run. Those are the neon signs of toxicity. But modern dating isn’t always that black and white. More often, we find ourselves in the gray zone. You know the feeling—you’re dating someone, and on paper, they seem fine. They text back (mostly), they’re fun to hang out with, and they haven’t done anything explicitly wrong.

Yet, you feel anxious. You feel drained. You feel like you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Welcome to the world of "lowkey toxic."

It’s insidious because it’s subtle. It’s the behavior that makes you question your own sanity because, in isolation, the actions seem small. Maybe they just "forgot" to invite you. Maybe they were "just joking" when they made fun of your outfit. But when you stack these moments up, they create a pattern that erodes your self-esteem and happiness.

If you’ve been feeling weird about your relationship but can’t quite put your finger on why, this is for you. Let’s break down what lowkey toxic actually looks like, why it’s so dangerous, and how to deal with it without losing your mind.

The "Joking" That Isn't Actually Funny

We all love a partner who can make us laugh. Roasting each other a little bit can be a sign of intimacy and comfort. But there is a very fine line between playful banter and disguised hostility.

Lowkey toxic partners often use humor as a shield for criticism. They’ll say something that stings—commenting on your eating habits, your intelligence, or your friends—and the second you react, they flip the script.

  • The move: They say, "Whoa, relax! I was just kidding. You’re being so sensitive."
  • The reality: This is a form of gaslighting. By focusing on your reaction ("you're sensitive") rather than their action ("I said something mean"), they avoid accountability. It trains you to suppress your feelings to avoid being labeled "crazy" or "drama."
  • The fix: Don't laugh if it's not funny. A simple "I don't get the joke, can you explain it?" usually shuts this down immediately because explaining an insult forces them to own it.

Weaponized Incompetence

Have you ever asked your partner to help with something simple—like planning a date or doing the dishes—and they do it so poorly that you end up just doing it yourself?

  • "I tried to book a reservation, but the website was confusing."
  • "I don't know how to wash your clothes without shrinking them, so I just left them there."

This is called weaponized incompetence. It’s when someone pretends to be bad at a basic task so they can get out of doing it. It forces you into the role of the "manager" or "parent" in the relationship. It’s lowkey toxic because it doesn't look like refusal; it looks like helplessness. But the result is that you carry the entire mental load of the relationship while they coast.

The "Soft" Ghost

We know what ghosting is—vanishing into thin air. But the "soft ghost" (or slow fade) is almost worse because it keeps you on the hook.

This looks like taking 24 hours to reply to a text that asks a direct question. It looks like "liking" your Instagram story but ignoring your DM. It looks like making vague plans ("Let's hang soon!") but never actually locking in a day or time.

They are giving you just enough attention to keep you interested, but not enough to actually build a connection. It keeps you in a state of constant anxiety, checking your phone every five minutes and overanalyzing punctuation. It’s a power play that says, "I am the priority here, and you are an option."

Emotional withholding (The Silent Treatment Lite)

Communication is the bedrock of any relationship. When things get tough, healthy couples talk. Lowkey toxic couples? One person shuts down.

This isn’t about needing space to cool off (which is healthy). This is about punishing you with silence. Maybe you brought up a concern, and suddenly they are "too busy" to talk for two days. Or perhaps they are physically present but emotionally a million miles away, giving one-word answers and avoiding eye contact.

This behavior is designed to make you panic. It makes you feel like you have to "earn" their affection back. You find yourself apologizing just to break the silence, even if you didn't do anything wrong.

The Comparison Game

"My ex used to love hiking." "Why don't you dress more like [Insert Celebrity/Influencer]?"

Comparing you to others is a massive serenity killer. Sometimes it’s blatant, but often it’s slipped into casual conversation. It creates a dynamic where you feel like you are competing for your partner's approval. You start to feel like you aren't enough just as you are.

In a healthy relationship, your partner is your biggest hype person. They should make you feel like the main character, not the understudy. If you feel like you’re constantly auditioning for the role of "partner," that is a toxic dynamic.

Why Is This So Draining?

The reason lowkey toxic behaviors are so exhausting is that they are ambiguous. If someone cheats on you, you have a clear reason to be angry. But if someone is just passively-aggressively forgetting your birthday plans? You might spend hours wondering if you are the problem.

  • It creates self-doubt: You start questioning your perception of reality. "Am I asking for too much?" "Maybe I am being too sensitive."
  • It causes chronic stress: Your body doesn't know the difference between a lion chasing you and the stress of an unanswered text. Living in that state of "fight or flight" impacts your sleep, your focus, and your general vibe.
  • It isolates you: Because the behaviors are subtle, they are hard to explain to friends. You might say, "He didn't text me back," and your friends might say, "He's probably just busy!" You end up feeling alone in your anxiety because on the surface, everything looks fine.

How to Handle the "Lowkey" Stuff

So, you’ve recognized some of these behaviors. Now what? Do you break up immediately? Not necessarily. Sometimes people have bad habits they aren't aware of. But you definitely need to address it.

1. Trust Your Gut Check

If something feels off, it is. Stop trying to lawyer your way out of your own feelings. You don't need "evidence" to feel uncomfortable. Your emotions are valid data. If you feel anxious every time you’re about to see them, listen to that.

2. Call It Out (Calmly)

Communication is the antidote to subtle toxicity. Because these behaviors thrive in the shadows, shining a light on them can sometimes stop them in their tracks.

  • Instead of: "You never listen to me!"
  • Try: "Hey, when I’m talking and you’re scrolling on TikTok, it makes me feel like you don’t care about what I’m saying. Can we have a no-phone zone for ten minutes?"

3. Watch the Reaction

This is the most critical step. When you set a boundary or express a feeling, how do they react?

  • Green Flag: They listen, apologize, and make an effort to change. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize I was doing that. I'll work on it."
  • Red Flag: They get defensive, blame you, or call you crazy. "Oh my god, you make a big deal out of everything."

If they fight you on your feelings, that "lowkey" toxicity is actually just straight-up toxicity.

4. Stop Romanticizing "Potential"

We often stay in lowkey toxic situations because we fall in love with potential. We see who they could be if they just communicated better, or tried harder. But you are dating the person in front of you, not the fantasy version of them. Look at their actions today. Is this sustainable for you?

You Deserve High-Key Healthy

Navigating relationships in your late teens and twenties is confusing enough without mind games. You are learning who you are and what you want. Don't let someone else's inability to be emotionally mature derail your growth.

Healthy relationships are boring in the best way. They are consistent. They are safe. They don't leave you decoding texts at 2 AM.

If you recognize these lowkey toxic traits in your relationship, take a step back. Reclaim your energy. Whether that means having a tough conversation or walking away entirely, prioritize your peace. You deserve a love that feels like certainty, not a question mark.