We all have a “type.” You know what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s the artsy type with tattoos and a mysterious vibe. Maybe it’s the driven, preppy one who seems to have their entire life figured out. Or maybe it’s the funny, goofy person who can make you laugh no matter what. Having a type feels normal. It’s a shortcut our brain uses to filter through the millions of people in the world to find someone we might click with.
But have you ever found yourself dating the same kind of person over and over again, only to have it end in the same dumpster fire of a breakup? You’re left wondering why history keeps repeating itself, and then you say it, almost as a defense: “I can’t help it, they’re just my type.”
What if that phrase isn’t just an innocent preference? What if “my type” is actually a red flag in disguise? Sometimes, the very thing we’re drawn to is a pattern that’s holding us back from finding a healthy, happy relationship. It’s time to talk about the red flags that hide behind “just my type” and how to break free from the cycle.
When a "Type" Becomes a Trap
Having preferences is totally fine. Liking someone who shares your sense of humor or passion for vintage horror movies is great! The problem starts when your “type” is less about shared values and more about a recurring, unhealthy dynamic. A preference becomes a trap when you use it to justify ignoring massive red flags.
Think about it. Are you really attracted to their confidence, or is it arrogance? Do you love their "go-with-the-flow" attitude, or are they emotionally unavailable? Is their "passion" actually just drama and instability? When we’re so focused on checking off the boxes of our "type," we can become blind to the toxic behaviors that come along with it.
Common "Types" That Are Actually Red Flags
Let’s get specific. Sometimes, the qualities we think we’re attracted to are just the shiny wrapping paper on a pretty problematic package. Here are a few common “types” that often hide deeper issues.
1. The "Project" or "Fixer-Upper"
The "Type": You’re drawn to people who seem a little broken. They have a troubled past, a complicated life, or they’re just a “misunderstood genius.” You see their potential, and you feel a powerful urge to be the one to “save” them.
The Red Flag: Your attraction isn't to them; it's to the role you get to play. This pattern often stems from a need to feel needed or a desire to be the hero in someone else’s story. You get a sense of purpose from trying to fix them, but you’re not actually building a partnership. You’re signing up to be an unpaid therapist and life coach.
The Reality: You can't fix another person. A healthy relationship is built between two whole people, not one person trying to glue another one together. You’ll end up drained, resentful, and wondering why they never changed, while they continue the same patterns.
2. The Emotionally Unavailable “Challenge”
The "Type": You love the chase. You’re drawn to people who are a little distant, hard to read, and who don’t give away their feelings easily. They keep you on your toes, and earning a moment of their affection feels like winning a gold medal.
The Red Flag: You’re confusing anxiety with excitement. This dynamic is rooted in intermittent reinforcement—the same principle that makes slot machines so addictive. You get just enough attention to keep you hooked, but never enough to feel secure. The highs feel amazing because the lows are so awful.
The Reality: This isn't a romantic challenge; it's a one-way ticket to a situationship. A secure partner won't make you guess how they feel. They won't make you work for basic affection and respect. Healthy love should feel like a safe harbor, not a constant competition you have to win.
3. The "Bad Boy/Bad Girl" with a Ton of Drama
The "Type": You’re attracted to chaos. You love someone who is unpredictable, a little rebellious, and always has a wild story to tell. Your relationship feels like a movie—full of intense fights and even more intense makeups.
The Red Flag: You’re addicted to the drama. You’ve come to associate the rollercoaster of emotions with passion. A calm, stable relationship feels "boring" to you because you’re used to the cortisol and dopamine spikes that come with constant conflict.
The Reality: Passion and drama are not the same thing. True passion is found in deep connection, mutual respect, and shared adventures—not in screaming matches at 2 a.m. Constantly living in a state of fight-or-flight is exhausting, and it’s not sustainable.
Why Do We Fall for These Patterns?
If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, don’t beat yourself up. We don’t choose these patterns consciously. Often, they are rooted in our past experiences and what we’ve learned about love.
- It Feels Familiar: We are often drawn to dynamics that mirror our earliest relationships, particularly with our parents. If you grew up in a chaotic household or had to fight for a parent’s affection, you might subconsciously seek out partners who recreate that familiar feeling.
- It Confirms Our Beliefs: If you have a deep-seated belief that you are not worthy of love or that you have to "earn" it, you will be drawn to partners who confirm that belief. Dating someone emotionally unavailable proves to your subconscious that, yes, love is something you have to work for.
- Low Self-Esteem: Sometimes, we choose partners who treat us the way we secretly feel about ourselves. If you don’t believe you deserve a kind, stable, and respectful love, you won't recognize it when it comes along.
How to Break Free from Your "Type"
Realizing that your "type" is a trap is a huge first step. Breaking the pattern takes conscious effort, but it is one of the most empowering things you can do for your love life.
1. Get Brutally Honest with Yourself
Look back at your past relationships. What did all your exes have in common? I don't mean their hair color or taste in music. What were the dynamics? Did they all make you feel anxious? Were they all projects you had to fix? Write it down. Seeing the pattern on paper can be a powerful wake-up call.
2. Redefine Your "Type" Around Values, Not Vibes
Instead of focusing on superficial traits like "edgy" or "mysterious," create a new list for your type based on qualities that actually lead to a healthy relationship. What do you want to feel in a partnership?
Your new list might look like this:
- Someone who is emotionally available.
- Someone who communicates with kindness and respect.
- Someone whose actions match their words.
- Someone who supports my growth and has their own goals.
3. Give the "Boring" Person a Chance
The next time you’re on a date with someone who seems kind, stable, and genuinely interested in you, don't immediately write them off as "boring." That feeling of "no spark" might just be the absence of anxiety. Your brain is so used to the rollercoaster that a calm, steady connection feels foreign. Give it time. The slow burn is often the one that lasts.
4. Focus on Yourself
The best way to attract a healthy partner is to become one yourself. Pour that energy you were spending on fixing someone else back into you. Go to therapy to understand your patterns. Build your self-esteem by pursuing your hobbies and crushing your goals. When you learn to love and validate yourself, you stop looking for it in people who are incapable of giving it to you.
